


The Challenge

by dendrite_blues



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Casual Sex, Cunnilingus, F/F, F/M, Fake Science, Female Loki (Marvel), Female Tony Stark, Fingerfucking, First Time, Friends With Benefits, Gender or Sex Swap, Genderfluid Character, Group Sex, Honestly just some nice wholesome lesbian sex, Implied or referenced Fucking Machines, Like an unreasonable number of orgasms, Multiple Orgasms, Oral Sex, Other, Rule 63, Sexual Experimentation, Sorry Not Sorry, Vaginal Fingering, good communication, nevermind, no longer wholesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-07-28 05:58:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16235594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dendrite_blues/pseuds/dendrite_blues
Summary: Loki challenges Tony to a pussy eating contest. Tony doesn't realize the exact terms until his dick is replaced with more feminine equipment.-Written for lesbianlokifriggason, from the prompt: Let! Them! Both! Eat! Pussy! Together! You! Cowards!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Real mean eat pussy, and the realest men acquire pussies so that more people can eat pussy. That's just common decency.

It’s all Loki’s fault, in Tony’s opinion. She’s just unbelievably sexy when she comes, and it really kills his vibe that he can’t seem to get her there on his own. He’s Tony fucking Stark, sexual prowess is supposed to be his third doctorate. But Loki’s very particular about… well everything, but especially her female parts. And that’s fine, he doesn’t have a problem with her knowing what she likes. It’s just that after a couple weeks of fooling around he really thinks he ought to have his technique down.

So once Loki’s orgasm subsides, he sprawls out beside her and draws figure eights on her belly. Devious eyes slide open and Loki hums at the attention.

“You are thinking far too loud.”

“Well, thinking is my superpower.” Tony jokes, but his smirk turns self-deprecating. “But, you see, here at Stark Industries we have a 100% satisfaction guarantee, and I have a feeling you aren’t completely satisfied.”

Loki gives him an assessing look. “You are a good deal more skilled than most humans, I see no problem thus far.”

“But I can’t seem to make you, uh, finish.” Tony says, scratching his beard.

“Well of course not, you’re a man. You can’t possibly know what a woman needs in the moment.”

Tony frowns, finding himself a little offended. “But you would? You think you’d do better because you’ve been a chick?”

“Certainly.”

“That-” Tony says, poking her in the ribs, “-is sexist. You’re a sexist.”

“If you disagree, then perhaps you ought to prove it.”

There’s really only one way to prove that, and the more he thinks about it the more interested he is. Threesome, baby.

“Alright, who do you want to ask? Widow? I bet Valkyrie would be down-”

Loki snorts. “And what would be the parameters? Hands, mouths, both?”

“Both. Definitely both.”

“Very well, I agree to your challenge.” Loki says, her face splitting into a very unsettling grin.

Tony holds out his hand, and Loki shakes it firmly.

“But like I was saying, who would be the judge? I have to say I’m partial to Romanov. Those thighs-”

“I see no reason we cannot decide between ourselves.”

Tony tilts his head. “I don’t have the, uh, equipment.”

“Oh that is easily corrected.”

Loki sits on her knees, reaching both hands to glide over Tony’s chest. He follows the movement with his eyes, and nearly falls over when his skin starts to tingle and change shape. Blinking in disbelief, he inspects his changed body. Smaller frame, devoid of chest hair, and in its place sit a pair of modest, nicely shaped boobs.

“Woah...now that's a party trick. Can you make ‘em bigger?”

Loki shoots him a dour look, and the mounds swell to about a C cup.

“Bigger?” Tony says with a dirty smirk.

Loki arches a very judgmental eyebrow, and Tony's boobs grow another few sizes.

"Bigger."

"By the Norns, Stark-"

Tony leers down at himself and makes a 'go on' gesture. "I’ll tell you when.”

“You are a disgrace.” Loki huffs and shrinks them back to their original size.

She runs a hand up his throat to card through his hair and slide down his face. He’s dying to know how he looks, but Loki’s entrancing right now, concentrating intently on weaving magic into his skin.

Her hands slide lower, down his arms and rounding out his hips, all the way down to his feet. That’s a little startling. He pokes his own thigh dubiously, and finds it pleasantly smooth. The skin springs back when he draws his hand away, and is it weird to be turned on by his own legs? He doesn’t have long to contemplate, because then Loki’s hands reverse and travel back up to squeeze at his ass.

“Hold still, I would hate to castrate you by accident.”

Before Tony can verify that she’s only joking, her hands circle around to cup his crotch. Magic prickles his skin, and between one moment and the next his dick is gone.

“Oh shit, warn a guy, would you? Holy-”

Loki smirks, and presses more firmly into Tony’s newly smooth mound. Something jumps in his gut, and a flicker of pleasure pulses from his...something. He’s not sure what. There’s a lot going on down there now. He looks, uh, nice. Well-proportioned with a natural but well groomed patch of hair.

Loki rubs more intently, her finger slipping between his labia and he gasps. The sound comes out high pitched and breathy, and he instinctively looks to the door because that noise can’t have been him. Someone must have walked in on them. Loki’s other hand cups his jaw and turns his face back toward her.

“Is this ‘equipment’ satisfactory?” she teases, gliding a finger up his, holy shit, his opening and pressing gently at a spot just above it that makes his eyes cross.

“Fuck, is that-”

“Yes, that is your clitoris. I’m sure you’ll be fast friends.” Loki chuckles, rubbing it again and smiling indulgently when Tony’s hips buck into the caress.

“Okay, I might lose.” Tony concedes, “My endurance is gonna be shit.”

“Oh, that is the best part, darling.” Loki purrs, pushing Tony to his back with a hand on his sternum. “As a woman you can come whenever you like, as often as you like. The encounter ends when we’re finished, not when we come.”

Tony absorbs that, adjusting the pillows under his head until he has a slightly better view of himself. Logically he knows what to do, he’s been with hundreds of women, but this is different. Everything’s upside down.

He glides a hand over his hip and onto his pussy, surprised by how sensitive the region is, the way he can feel every brush of his fingers in about three different places.

“This is amazing.” he mumbles, staring in wonder at his new body.

Loki lays down beside him with her head on his shoulder and runs a gentle caress over his breasts. Warmth flushes over his chest and, curiously, sends a sort of lightning bolt of arousal between his legs. He clenches, muscles he didn’t used to have squeezing around nothing and making his hips twitch.

“You are gorgeous.” Loki says.

Her hand continues to make tantalizing circles. There’s a strange sense of not-enough to the feeling, and after a few more revolutions he feels a tightness around his nipple, a yearning to be touched there. His chest heaves, and he finds his eyes closing as Loki continues to tease him. The fingers get closer and closer each time they come around, until they’re driving Tony mad.

“Loki-” he moans, and again surprises himself with the pitch and the volume. Every breath seems to transform in his throat, coming out needy and high and sexy.

“Patience.” she says, cupping his other breast and rubbing circles around his nipple that make his breath catch. Those evil fingers seem to slow down even more as they finally approach the place he wants them.

“I will fucking die if you don’t hurry up.”

“We can hardly proceed before you are ready.”

She leans over to kiss Tony’s jaw, and then the corner of his mouth. The kisses are so soft without his facial hair in the way, and he turns his head to capture them with his lips. It feels fantastic, both of their mouths fuller than they are as men, so perfect for kissing. Loki’s hand keeps drawing those brain-bending circles, and the feeling of it all mixes together in a heady arousal.

“I am ready, get on with it.” Tony grumbles, squeezing his legs around Loki’s waist and thrusting. The lack of penis makes that a pretty fruitless endeavor.

Loki pulls away and her dancing nails find their way to his nipple. Tony groans, his whole body shivering.

Loki tilts her head, and checks Tony’s face. “Sensitive?”

“No—I mean—I dunno. Feels weird.”

“Hm, harder then.”

The hand on his body keeps up the feathery teasing, but the thumb on his nipple turns firm and demanding. His legs squeeze instinctively, and his eyelids slide low of their own accord.

“Woah-” he sighs, gripping Loki’s shoulders with both hands.

Loki bites her lip, her gaze heated and intense. She ducks her head and sucks open mouthed kisses to his heaving chest. His skin buzzes like a live wire, each exhale coming out a breathy moan. It sounds like a fucking porno, all high-pitched and awed. He can’t believe that’s him, he’s just breathing but it's so loud. Kisses wander over the hills of his breasts and Tony arches into her touch. Pillowy lips cover his nipple, and just when he’s got himself under control Loki’s warm, wet tongue turns his brain to mush. He digs his fingers in her wavy hair and curses at the unexpected graze of teeth.

“Oh fuck, more. More of that.” he says, and Loki steals his breath away. Sucks hard around the bud and starts to nibble so, so gently.

It’s perfect, hovering between enough and too much. She spoils him like that, sucking and nipping while the heat between his legs grows and grows until he thinks he'll go crazy. His hips buck upwards into nothing.

Loki must notice. She’s smirking against his skin, but she doesn’t do anything about it. Evil, evil, witch. He will get her back when it’s his turn. He’ll make it so slow and teasing she won’t know what to do.

“You’ll need to guide me for this next part.” Loki says, running her hands down Tony’s belly and peppering kisses down his ribs.

She stops on the reactor scar, the big one in the middle that Tony always feels the urge to cover. She kisses it, just once. An acknowledgment. The move does something to him, makes his heart flutter in ways he’s not used to and Loki crawls back to cup his cheek. She sucks his lips into a searching kiss that melts his tension away and sends warm tingles crackling down his spine. The arousal pulsing between his legs is maddening but her lips are soothing, and when she pulls away he feels grounded, alive. The position lines their bodies up, their breasts pressing together, and he knows he'll have wet dreams about that for a long, long time.

“I thought this was about eating out.” he mumbles, massaging her back and kneading her shoulders.

“Yes, but you are terribly distracting like this.”

Her hands massage his legs and dig underneath to squeeze his ass. She shimmies down his body and runs a slow caress around his thighs. It has no right to feel as good as it does, and neither do the nibbles and bites she sucks into his inner thigh. Each touch is a tease, getting closer and closer until he can't stand it. His legs try to close, and she holds them down, the power of her Aesir strength surprising and unexpectedly arousing.

“If you smother me while I’m down here, I will turn every one of your suits to dust.” Loki says amiably, her warm breath ghosting over his soaked opening.

“I’ll be good, I’ll be good, come on.” he moans, and Loki relents.

Two fingers spread him open, and he only has a moment to marvel at how vulnerable that feels before Loki licks the most amazing stripe up his slit. She teases and laves soft, wet kisses that make Tony feel cut open and exposed. God, he never thought how nerve racking this must be, never considered the terror rocketing up his spine as he thinks _what if i taste bad what if i smell bad oh god what if she’s just humoring me._

He very nearly asks, but then Loki groans and meets his eyes through the valley of his breasts. It’s pure hunger. Desire and a touch of arrogance that is so fucking Loki. He decides he doesn’t give a damn if he's ugly. So long as she keeps doing that, he couldn't care less.

Loki’s fingers join the fun, her thumb cycling through different motions and pressures. Most of them feel alright, and he's a bit confused by the whole procedure until she presses into the base and sort of... wiggles. His moan shakes the rafters, and his head hits the pillow with a dull thump.

“What the fuck-”

The grin Loki shoots him is smug, and very attractive. “There it is. Norns you have no idea how good you look.”

“Keep going, why’d you stop?” he complains, and Loki obeys. Good god, she does.

Clits, he decides, are awesome. His can stay as long as Loki is willing to rub it. The feeling is comparable to jacking off, but very different. He can only describe it as rounder, like he’s used to feeling one note of pleasure and Loki’s playing chords. She’s relentless, licking deeper and deeper and stealing his breath with hard, almost vibrating touches to his spot.

“I think I shall make you come just like this.” Loki whispers, and the brush of her words against his folds makes him jump. “And after, we can see how you like it inside.”

Loki’s mouth returns with twice the vigor and wet noises fill the air. She delivers on her promise, her mouth wet and amazing where she's devouring him with open, sliding kisses. With the added slickness her fingers are the sweetest bliss, pressing hard and rubbing at him in a way that looks rough but feels divine.

She mimics her touch from earlier and he moans. His hands clutch Loki’s hair and he struggles not to pull too hard. She knows what she’s doing, doesn’t stop for a moment as she strokes him towards his peak. Her hand is a blur on his clit, and his back arches at the pleasure, his toes curling into the sheets.

He doesn’t know he’s on the edge of orgasm until he falls. Everything is new, unfamiliar. It’s like coming for the first time. Pleasure is everywhere. Outside, inside, all the way to his fingertips. It’s the same general feeling, but bigger, deeper. His belly trembles, twitching and pulling him into a ball around the place they’re connected. He grinds hard against Loki’s mouth and she groans, like it's her life's goal to be so wanted.

His skin turns sensitive, but he doesn’t want it to be over. He digs his heels into Loki’s back and whines when her mouth leaves after one last lick. He feels weightless and at the same time deeply frustrated, hungry for something more. He tries to vocalize it, to put words to it, but he just feels inept. Like he’s speaking a different language.

Loki crawls up his body, her arms framing his face and she leans in. He’s a champion pussy eater himself, so the after-orgasm kiss doesn’t squick him. It strikes him as sweet, a shared moment of success. He’s relieved to find that he smells normal on Loki’s face, and the taste is an unremarkable human flavor. A bit sweet, but that might just be the endorphins making him sentimental. He feels up Loki’s chest while they make out, tries to be anywhere near as skilled as usual, but he’s pretty sure he fails. Wandering hands knead his ass and stray around to press at his opening.

“Do you want-” Loki rasps.

“Yeah, yeah, please-” he interrupts, hands gripping Loki’s back as he twists his hips into a more inviting angle. She pecks him on the cheek and retreats. Comes back with a pillow and lube. He feels awkward again, with his hips propped up and his junk on display. There’s a chill in the air that makes his nipples hard, and Loki takes the opportunity to play with them some more. He slides his eyes closed and makes himself relax. It’s not that big of a deal, he’s been fucked loads of times. Nothing to worry about. He still seizes up when Loki’s hands scratch over the crease where his legs meet his hips, though.

She takes her time, coaxing and kneading. He twitches at the first touch, but melts at the now familiar brush of her tongue. He’s less sensitive now, his skin raw from the rough treatment, and the gentleness of Loki’s mouth is just what he needs. She rubs up and down, pushing gradually more and more until she sinks in like she was meant to be there. The feeling is like nothing else. He tries to sit up and get a look, but Loki pushes him back down.

“Stay still, this will feel strange until we find what you like.”

It’s soft inside, and he can feel every tiny movement as Loki prods around. It gives him chills, bad chills. Having another person rummaging around inside reminds him of the arc reactor, of foreign fingers digging around a very different hole. He’s about to tell Loki to pull it out when she curls her finger up and over nerves that make him clench and gasp.

“There, there, there, there, there-” Tony gasps, wincing as he tightens around Loki’s finger.

It’s a tangle of conflicting sensations. Pleasure, warmth, discomfort, a little pain. Loki’s gaze is like x-ray vision, so focused and intense. She frowns and drags her finger over the nerve again, a little harder. He trembles, and the noise that he makes isn’t a whimper because that would be fucking embarrassing.

“Are you well?” she asks, slipping under Tony’s leg to hold his hand. For some reason that makes his chest tight. The caution, the care, and from a person so famous for callousness. He tries to recall another partner that comforted him like that, and he comes up empty.

“It’s weird.” he says, clutching at her hand and weaving their fingers.

“Tell me if you wish to stop.” she replies, and lowers her head to lap at his clit. Inside, she continues to poke and prod, trying different things until she finds the place that makes Tony jump and keen. Her touches turn rhythmic and the pleasure outweighs the weirdness. It mixes with the sensation of her mouth on his clit and he sees stars.

“Mmm, that’s good. Do that.” he groans.

Loki does, she does exactly that until Tony’s gasping and, god help him, mewling like an animal. Cautiously she slips out and returns with two fingers that suddenly feel incredible. Now that he’s comfortable the drag against his insides is addictive, ridiculously intimate. She fucks him, in and out, and hits his spot dead on. It’s game on from there, an overwhelming crescendo of sensations that Loki drives right where he wants them. He’s openly moaning, an almost constant drone of _oh oh oh fuck shit yes_ that will undoubtedly sound obscene on the security tapes. Briefly, he regrets not installing a mirror over the bed. The opportunity to see how they look right now would totally outweigh the creep factor.

Loki goes to town, unwinding her hand from his so she can play his clit like a DJ as she fucks him slow and hard with her fingers. His second orgasm is radically more intense. Unlike the first, he feels it coming a mile off but he can’t quite make it happen. It’s an agonizing journey, the desire building in his gut while he grips the sheets and thinks _yeah, yeah, no, more to the left, not so hard, damn it just let me do it._

And then almost laughs because suddenly he understands what Loki tried to tell him.

She’s not just good at this, she’s excellent. Really, truly incredible. But she’s not a mind reader, and she can’t possibly hit his spot on the mark every single time. He sighs, frustrated, and when he meets Loki’s eyes he knows she knows. She’s practically gloating without even saying anything.

Rolling his eyes, he opts to be the bigger person. Her skills are more than good enough to get him off, he just has to try a little harder. Wait a little longer. It’s very worth the patience, because he finds the longer Loki fucks him the more intense the good feelings are. By the end he’s nearly crying, desperate for release and clawing at the sheets. His moans turn into shrieks when he finally comes. It starts on the inside and echoes seconds later in his clit, the two-sided pleasure shooting up his spine and whiting out his vision.

He is exhausted after that, sex drunk and wrung out. The mattress rocks.

Loki slides the pillow out from under his hips and pulls him into her arms. She's so warm, like a living breathing blanket protecting him from his own disjointed emotions. He buries his face in her neck because the room feels to big right now, too cold for a moment like this. Her arm circles his shoulders and pets his hair.

“You were magnificent.” she whispers into the shell of his ear, rubbing at his breasts in that way that turns his skin electric and makes him feel safe. She straddles his leg, and this time when she lays down there’s an amazing, heavy pressure grounding him to the sheets. He has trouble complaining with her mouth on his neck, and the delicious slide of her pussy against his leg.

“My turn.” he sighs, smiling lazily and running both hands to palm her ass. It’s a good ass. Smooth, cute and kind of square. He really likes it.

“I daresay I’ve won already.”

“Oh, we're still competing? I already decided I lost.” he mumbles, lifting his leg to press against her. She grinds into the pressure and sighs. They could just do this, he’d be good for that.

“Perhaps I will claim my prize instead. I do so love smothering you.”

“By all means.” he smirks, giving Loki’s butt a playful smack. “Claim your throne, princess.”

“I was a king, mortal.” she drawls.

Doesn't stop her obeying, though. This is her absolute favorite, power and pleasure combined in a position that puts him completely at her mercy. Not that he doesn't get something out of it. She’s gorgeous from below, the svelte lines of her stomach butting against the proud swell of her breasts. Arching her back, she settles in and her scent overwhelms him.

The slide of her against his waiting tongue is fucking sinful. Honestly it should be illegal to taste that good. Maybe he’s high on his own chemicals or maybe it’s an alien biology thing, but she doesn’t taste like any other girl. She grinds down and he feels wonderfully sloppy, mouth open and waiting to kiss and lick whatever she puts in reach. She gasps softly, legs squeezing around his ears, and in that moment she's everything. The world outside of her long lashes and parted lips is a distant memory, faint and unimportant compared to the bouncing of her breasts and her quiet moans.

He gets lightheaded, his chest protesting the loss of air, but he keeps going. She’s close, flushed from her ears to her neck and practically gushing on his tongue. He drinks her down, happy to suffocate purely because he doesn’t want to fuck this up.

In a way, that’s the best part. She’s getting exactly what she wants, and all he has to do is lay there and give her something nice to rub against. No pressure, for once. No one’s reputation on the line. This is about Loki enjoying herself, and preferably coming hard enough to do that speaking-in-Norse thing. He doesn’t think she knows that the All-Speak stops working when she’s out of her mind, but it does and it’s ridiculously sexy.

Bucking wildly, Loki moans and palms her breasts. Massaging her own nipples makes her pussy clench around Tony’s tongue and he groans, wrapping his arms around her thighs. He pulls her down, holding tight so he can give her the broad, flicking strokes she craves. He’s gone down on her before, he knows what makes her breath catch. And it does, beautifully and breathlessly to the rhythm of his strokes.

It takes an eternity, and that's fine, he wants her desperate and coming hard. Her legs tremor, hands flailing helplessly to clutch pillows, bed posts, anything to keep them off Tony’s head where he knows she wants to grab and pull. She’s not allowed to do that anymore, after the last time. He’s still got a fucking bald spot on one side. He grabs her hand and winds their fingers as a consolation, and doesn’t complain when she squeezes like a vice.

She’s stuck in that last desperate stretch, not quite coming even though she’s close, and now that he’s been there he really feels for her. It’s torturous, that last valley where your partner’s doing everything right and it’s just not enough. Finally she lets out a really desperate groan and gives up, bringing a hand to stroke herself.

Tony bats it away, replaces it with his own and recalls how it felt to be on that precipice. How mere millimeters made the difference between _fuck yeah baby_ and _ugh, not there you idiot._ He touches her exactly how she touched herself, and doesn’t let himself falter even when he starts seeing bubbles on the ceiling.

He gives it his all, fucking her with his tongue and repeating his touches to her clit as consistently as a machine. At long last she shudders, her legs quivering as she pants out a silent, deep breath.

It’s a big orgasm, he can tell. She rolls off of him and flops on the bed, trembling and curling into a ball. Despite his dizziness, he follows her, shoving her legs apart and pressing two fingers to her hole. She’s soaked and loose, and he practically falls inside despite her pulsing aftershocks. He finds her spot right away and walks his fingers over it, drives her suddenly back up the mountain while she yelps and writhes.

She has an incredibly short fuse just after she comes, and he loves seeing how many he can wring out of her in a row. Maybe it’s mean, the thrill he gets when she flinches and pushes at his hands, but he’s never heard her complain. Whatever she does in the moment, he knows she’s hungry for more. She outright thanked him last time, and Loki doesn’t often do gratitude.

He keeps her going through another two, each one more intense than the last. He licks at her nipples and sucks hickies into her neck, and she writhes under him, out of her mind and gorgeous. By the third she’s strung out, incoherent and sighing out foreign words that Tony chooses to translate as _Tony Stark is a sexy beast, and I shall worship his fingers for the rest of my days_.

“Ok, I don’t know who won.” Tony says, rocking his hips lazily on Loki’s leg just because he’s female and there’s absolutely no reason not to. It’s not like he’s gonna pop a boner and ruin the afterglow.

Loki sucks him into a deep kiss and cards her nails through his hair. The tingles travel down his back, and he just wants to fall asleep right there, warm and well-fucked. When he withdraws, she sucks on his bottom lip and hums like there’s nowhere else she’d rather be. He supposes that’s fair, he feels the same.

“We both won fool.” Loki sighs, “And damn you for wearing me out, I wanted to introduce you to the vibrator.”

“Next time?” Tony asks, warmth pooling in his gut in anticipation. Loki curls on her side and tugs Tony’s arm until he rolls over and spoons her.

“Oh yes, next time.” she says. “I do not think I am completely satisfied yet.”

“You’re still sexist. Even if you’re right.” Tony mumbles into her neck, curly black hair tickling his nose.

Loki hums, and snuggles into Tony’s chest. “If you think I believed anything I said to get you female and into bed, then you do not know me at all.”

Tony would reply, but he’s halfway to sleep and he really doesn’t want Loki to slap him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now listen, ya horndogs, I want the threesome sequel as much as you, but I can't decide who the lucky lady is. Leave a name in a comment, I'm paralyzed by indecision. Actually, I don't even care if they're canonically female, just name someone who deserves to be eaten out.


	2. Peer Review

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sincere thanks to [Raven_Ehtar](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raven_Ehtar/pseuds/Raven_Ehtar) and [buying_the_space_farm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/buying_the_space_farm/pseuds/buying_the_space_farm) for beta reading.

The AC unit rattles loudly over the conference table, and if it doesn’t stop in the next thirty seconds Tony is going to climb up there and threaten it into silence himself. All that dripping and whirring is killing his groove, and when one is proposing an idea of this magnitude, maintaining peak groove is of pinnacle importance.

Heavy silence hangs in the air, and, okay, that isn’t exactly helping his groove loss either. He claps his hands into a grip in front of his chest and gives everyone his best  _ okay I’m done now, someone please talk _ smile. Loki’s foot taps anxiously on the concrete floor, a third discordant rhythm on top of the air conditioner noise and Valkyrie’s incessant pen clicking. 

He clears his throat. “So, that’s why we’ve called you all here today. I’m, uh, open for questions. If you have any.”

Bruce scratches his head, his eyes narrowing in his famous bemused squint.

“Okay, I’ll bite.” He looks down the table at the gathering of gorgeous, athletic women. “Why am I here?”

Loki snorts. Bucky tentatively raises his hand from his hiding place by the imitation ficus.

“Are you seriously raising your hand like it’s grade school? Yes, Mr. Barnes. Do you need the hall pass?”

The soldier scowls, a tinge of pink creeping out from under his long hair. He fakes a cough.

“I...would also like to know. That.”

Tony rolls his eyes. Honestly, this was covered in the powerpoint. “Because I admire and respect you, and were you in possession of vaginas I would be honored to eat them out. In a competitive fashion.”

“Thanks...I think?” Bruce looks caught somewhere between smelling dirty gym socks and sneezing. Pepper slides out her chair with a rap of plastic wheels.

“Pep, please–”

“No. No puppy eyes, no ‘Pep, please.’ This is ridiculous.” She points to Loki, who’s slowly losing it behind the podium. “You are a bad influence, and this is not science.”

“It’s totally science.” Tony balks. Bruce shakes his head. 

“I’m sorry, I gotta disagree. As a study I think it’s flawed on a lot of fronts.” He flips through the pages of his pamphlet and pinches the fold over the staple. “For starters your evaluation criteria are extremely vague. You’re banking on a participant pool of...eight? That’s a fraction of the data you’d need, even just for a general conclusion. And this whole control group thing–”

“Alright, I admit the control group is suboptimal.” Tony hurries to say.

“More like creepy.” Valkyrie interrupts, not moving her feet from where they’re stretched out and resting on Bucky’s unclaimed swivel chair. “Why anybody would want some  _ machine _ twixin’ their nethers I don’t rightly understand.”

The words pierce Tony like an arrow in the heart, but not half as deeply as the mournful robot cries from the corner where L.I.C.K.Y. waits on standby. 

“Aw, baby, don’t listen to her. She just doesn’t know you yet,” he says, running to the poor little cherub’s side and petting it’s monitor.

“Alls I’m sayin’ is, who in their right mind would choose a bunch of bolts over a warm body? That’s mental.”

“That’s what I said the first time.” Loki mutters with a crooked quirk of her lips, immediately smothered.

Tony inspects the complicated arrangement of silicone appendages and stimulators he and Loki spent the last fortnight perfecting. Maybe it isn’t the most aesthetically pleasing bot he’s ever conceived, but it has a good heart damn it. It needs to be sensitive to people’s reactions if it’s going to learn to eat pussy properly. Poor thing barely left the charging station and the ladies are already crushing it’s pure binary soul.

He’s about to defend his baby’s honor when Natasha sets her chin on her hand and effortlessly seizes the entire room’s attention.

“I was actually going to volunteer for the control group,” she says. 

Pepper’s eyebrows disappear behind her bangs. “You’re going along with this?”

The widow shrugs, nonplussed.

“I could use a new toy. Getting kind of bored of my Bad Dragons.”

“You lay with dragons?” Valkyrie gapes. This time Loki really does sputter out a high, wheezing laugh.

“That’s it, I’m out.” Bruce pushes away from the table with both hands. “This is too weird, man.”

“Aww, come on Bruce, not you too! Do it for science.”

“Forget science. Do it for yourself, Banner,” Okoye scolds, sharply enough that a few people jump to attention along with Tony’s dick. Probably not enough to cause a problem, but he puts his hands in his pockets just in case.

Okoye continues. “Do not think I have forgotten our debate on the veranda.”

Bruce goes a bit pale.

“Hang on, debate?” Tony leans closer.

“It was not–”

“I remember,” Bucky chimes in, and the sight of his face splitting in a dirty grin quadruples Tony’s interest in this bit of Wakandan gossip.

“It was a purely theoretical question.” Bruce waves his hands in a stopping gesture, Okoye’s eyes glimmer.

“Which you may answer in this study. And as for your data pool, may I extend the offer to my warriors?”

Little Tony answers in a strong affirmative, and Tony tries to shuffle behind the bot as subtly as possible. His imagination helpfully pelts him with enticing images of himself kneeling in a circle of gorgeous, naked goddesses. Cracking open a water bottle with a little too much vigor, he spills a drop on his tie in the process of swallowing half the contents in one gulp.

“That’s very generous, Lady Okoye, we would be happy to include them,” Loki answers for the both of them.

“My god, you’re all actually for this,” Pepper says in a mystified voice.

The women and Bruce exchange glances, tentative to agree without some assurance of a majority. To everyone’s surprise it’s Bucky that breaks the pause, scratching his stubble and nodding thoughtfully.

“I mean, who hasn’t wondered, right?” A few curious stares make him chuckle self-consciously and shrug. “Gender aside, it’s a Norse god and  _ Tony Stark _ .”

Little Tony also appreciates the ego stroke, but Big Tony is trying not to listen to him right now. Nobody else seems to have a rebuttal either, and so it’s with a little reluctance that Loki stands up straight at the podium and taps her nails on the edge.

“Alright, I think you’ve all had time to decide. May we have a show of hands?” Loki looks imperiously around the conference table. “All for?”

An assortment of hands go in the air, and as Loki counts and makes notes Bruce’s hand rises very very slowly. He shoots an apologetic look at Pepper, who seems somewhat thunderstruck.

“All against?”

Pepper fusses with her skirt, all eyes settling on her as she pointedly doesn’t raise her hand. Hope springs eternal, as they say, and Tony can’t help the pleading look on his face.

She sighs, a parent conceding to persistent demands for ice cream.

“I want waivers. For everyone. And protection. And–”

“Hey, no pressure! It’s cool–” Tony starts. Pepper huffs, tossing her hair behind her ear and...and is that a blush?

“And I want first dibs on Loki.”

Before anyone can comment further she throws her purse straps over her shoulder and clops out of the room in a storm of heavy heel clicks. The glass door glides closed, and Tony’s heart gives a little flutter. Game on. 

Er...science on. Yeah. 

Science.


End file.
